Friends

Dear diary,

Thanks diary for being the place I can let go of the things that are stuffed in my heart.

Love,
Christine

What does it mean to be considered as friends?

To me, this is all I can think of now:

Friends are the ones you know you can pour your hearts out honestly and without fear that they will ever hurt you back or spilled out your secret;

Friends care about your feelings and they will never force you to do or speak of the things you don't want to;

Friends understand you, your feelings, and your thinking and they know the words to speak to your heart without breaking it;

Friends even when they don't like you or the things you gave them, they will tell you directly without hurting your feelings at all;

Friends love you all the same, acknowledge the changes in you over the years and still accept you the way you are.

Sometimes I really wish to just slash out my thoughts through my mouth without thinking how the other person will feel. Coz I know in this way, I would feel better after I have let out all my anger and frustrations inside me. Yet, I know I cannot as I care enough about how the others feel...seriously I am asking myself again and again: am I really selfish?

Most of the time, I realise there is no point in saying things out of your mouth as they would believe whoever initiate these things first instead of the reply. And they would not believe or change their minds that they could have been wronged about you. If you ever met such people, I realise there is no reason for me to reason with anyone coz it will only upset myself...

I understand my friend is trying to help in telling me what happened and what the problems are. I know they care enough for me to change. Yet, does he know the real situation? He only hear it from someone else mouth who pass it down from someone else and probably someone else again...and this is exactly what I am upset about. He just simply showed that he does not trust me at all but rather to rely on the words of the person who told him and that's all he need to know about the "truth"...

Somehow, I feel like being backstabbed. I wonder if I am THAT hard to talk to. I wouldn't mind if you tell me face to face coz I can accept and made changes much easier. When hearing from someone else mouth, it feel like the topic has somehow turned into some gossip before it reached my ears. I feel upset and angry about it. And I do wonder if these people really know me well enough...

Because if I ever mention something not glam about someone to another person, I would always tell the person that I told this person so and so about you and explain to them that I only mean good to tell them to this person as I trust this person may help you. Yet I never expect by doing so, that person may do the same...except to infrom me about it personally...

A person's daily habits, what they like or hate, how they make themselves look like in public are things that you can observe and take note of over a period of time of knowing this person. Yet, the way they think, the way they see things and feel about others are characteristics that you need to open your heart to know. Because if you already closed your heart to know this person long ago, there's no way you can make your way to the other person's heart as well...

Could I have been so wrong about that person? Did I not know him well enough? If I know him, why then he don't know me at all? And then, I realise -- I never really open my heart to him till it is too late...

And I guess he is right about one thing -- I will always be a selfish person to him no matter what because I was very selfish back then to his love and feelings...

This is the biggest regret I had ever made...

"I really want to know wwjd...I really don't want to feel all these grudges in me anymore..."