To love or to be loved?

I had my cell group meeting just now but this time I am not going to share what I learnt but what I experienced and how God speaks to me on my way back to my hostel.

Instead of taking the usual bus 179 back, I walked all the way back from Boon Lay MRT again. It was past midnight then. Somehow, the road is unusually quiet and dark. It really don't feel great to walk alone so late, especially when I am a girl and there are many foreign workers walking along the streets too. But I know there is something weighing in my heart and I know I need to take that walk because I always do that when I feel troubled.

And as I walk, I thought about many things: my lessons learn these days, my discussion with my friends over faith for God and questions from the bible, my bible study, my service message on faith again, things my friend wrote on his blog over the love of Jesus, my past relationships, my family, my work, my recruitement drive etc. Everything started to stream in. And suddenly, I cried. Tears keep streaming down my face. I don't know if it is the surrounding that is having this effect on me or the longing I have for love. I come to fear what I feel at that point of time -- loneliness. Remember I said before that the word "Independent" has two meanings? It is either you are strong or you are too used to it. At this moment, I believe I am the latter. I longed to be loved by someone, someone who knows me, someone who shared the same interests as me, someone who can grow together with me despite of any challenges ahead, someone who can be my soulmate. Seriously, I never want to be alone.

On my way back, the fear of darkness haunted me again and somehow I was reminded of how my other half in the past used to shelter me, assuring me that he was by my side to protect me in the dark. He even made me walked on the inner lane of the road so he can protect me if any car accidentally came and hit onto the road. Somehow, it makes me wonder where was God then. I tell God: I want my companion; I want my support; I wish to have someone to laugh with me when I am happy; I wish I can rely on someone when I am down; I want to be there for someone else too and make me feel needed somewhere; I want to be the support for someone else; I don't want to be a superwoman; I don't want to be alone.

But when I said all these, I realised one thing: How many times did I use the word "I"? Oh gosh...this just shows how selfish and self-centred I am! Did I even place God there? These are all that I want and NOT what God wants in my life!!!

Then my mind leads me back to the time I strayed away from him and how many things I had done Him wrongs...many many things that are really displeasing in God's eyes. Yet when Brian asked me to come to CHC, I can feel instantly that He never even care what I did to hurt him. I can feel his presence with me during that first Saturday service in which Mark Connor was preaching, telling me He is glad I have finally come back to him! And I know He is with me! Despite of all the things I am doing now, He is there guiding me. True that people longed for a partner and so do I. But then God is my partner too, my partner who will be waiting for me at the end of the world! He will never leave me! His agape (unconditional) love for me is everlasting!

Let me illustrate to you with a little exercise that my friend taught me.

First, you put your two hands together, palm to palm and make sure each finger are align to the other finger on the other palm. Secondly, you bring down the middle finger such that they still stick together but pointing downwards while the rest point upwards. Once you are done, here's the story:

One day, when you get old, and you will have to leave your parents (represented by your thumbs and pull them apart to show that you can leave your parents...it is easy right?). Then, when you are old, your siblings (represented by your second fingers) will become independent too and soon you will leave them too (repeat the exercise, this time pulling your second fingers apart...still can manage to do it right?). And now turn to your last finger. They represent your children in the future. When your children grows up, they will leave you one day too (And you can pull apart your last fingers). But try pulling apart your forth finger, the one that you put your wedding ring on? Can you pull them apart? If you following my instructions correctly, by right you can't. They are the ones representing you and your partner. When you have the covenant with your spouse on the day of your marriage, you two shall never be apart.

But if you manage to pull your forth fingers apart, do you notice any difference among the other fingers? Are your middle fingers starting to come up? And do you feel that the higher your middle fingers go, the easier it is to pull the forth fingers apart? The middle finger represents yourself. When yourself (the middle finger) start to rise up, you place more importance on yourself than your partner and become more selfish, and neglect your partner. Soon, your selfishness will come and break your bonding with your other half. This is exactly what happens in the reality and why the cases on divorce increase as people value themselves more and more these days since many of them can be independent on their own.

Let's take the forth finger to represent God in your life. Do you realise that when you put yourself in the centre, your relationship with God will start to fall apart too? You take control of your life and you place God outside. Soon, you thought you can depend on your own and you will leave God. That is also the reason why many people refuse to accept God or backslided because of all the temptations this world has to give, that for once, you want to be the controller of your life to enjoy all that was given in this world, whether they are good or bad, for the thrill of trying them out. You know there is a Chinese saying: "Good medicine always taste bitter in the mouth."?

Good things are often not pleasing in our ears and we would prefer to listen to things that please us. You take control of your life and things that are not pleasant will come in and mess up everything. But when you let God take control in your life, He takes in what is good for you and help you to take away those that are unclean inside you. Everything will then be placed in their right positions and there is order in your life. Everything goes smoothly for you. So can you let God be your partner today? Do you believe that God has already provided the One for you and not you yourself seeking for him or her in your life? Soulmates are the ones who grow spiritually together, and not grow together for sexual pleasure or material enjoyment. And certainly your relationship with anyone is not any types of game of love.

My cell group leader, Sis Jaz and her husband, Bro Chris is a couple that I envy and look upon to: A family that share the joy in God's love, leaders who are passionate about God and serve him together, and a lovely child given to them to bring in even more joy to the family. Similarly, Sharon and Hanzhong is another pair of lovely couple who grow together strongly in Christ, working hard for themselves and for God and seeing how God bless them in their work and their business together. So when you choose your partner, remember NEVER to let yourself pull away from God! That person should grow with you together in God and not out of Him! I had those experiences and it is really hard for you to share those joy with your partner if he or she doesn't understand them.

I am still seeking for the One for me but I shouldn't be impatient. Hahaha...I wonder if it is really true that girl will get anxious if they can't get married by the age of 30 now...hahaha...lol I believe in God to have planned a life for me and my soulmate too. And if I can't see that person now, then God will be my partner for me now...so I am NOT ALONE! Haiz...so why all these fuss again?! Hahaha...thank God for putting friends in my life coz a bible verse that my friend shared with me before he left Singapore comes back to remind me once again:

"'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the Lord Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the Lord Almighty." (Haggai 2:9)

We must remember that only when we established God's kingdom first, all the things in our life will then be established and even much greater than before. Seeking God and establishing his kingdom should always be the first priority in our life. Oh...I LOVE YOU GOD! *muacks* :D

Gonna go zzzZ soon...helping Sharon to mann her stall tomorrow as she has impromtu makeup seesions to attend to....lol Hope I don't screw anything up as this is my first time doing sales job. Haha...something I would like to avoid doing very often as I am afraid to speak up...not really keen on that though and it is certainly not my strong area. But thank God for the opportunity given to me this time to learn ba...it is good to keep learning new things in life...don't you agree? lol So anyone who are interested in buying new shoes and bags can always come and take a look at her stall at Suntec, 2nd level outside the shop "Why pay more?". Haha...easily recognisable as Sharon is a very beautiful lady...hahaha...so chio bus should be easily spotted ba...hahaha...lol Yeah! :D

"Sorry father for my mood swing again. Never shall I doubt of your plan for me and never would I ever want to be apart from you again."