If only...

Sometimes I do wonder what is God's purpose for me and why I have to be the only child when I always wish I would have some siblings around instead. Honestly, I envy lots on those who have sisters and brothers, to have someone to share those little bedtime secrets they have, or even just to fight over the same item and cry for parents in the end.

I know I will never have that courage to do it. In a way, being coward for it is the best thing ever. Yet that desire to put it out is just so great...why did she has to put those pressure on me through and through again? Did I do the wrong things again or does she has to give me those pressures? I have tried SO hard to make things right...and yet she has to hurt me again and again. Oh God...I don't know what to do at all...

I know I am not always right. I am at fault too. I am making the changes and correcting them. Yet why she has to point the fingers at me and not giving any chances? Why she HAS to hurt others in order to protect herself? I cannot defend for I know what will hurt her and I know there is no way I should do that. But with every word she says I have to swallow those pain and pretend I have never heard them. Because I know if I ever rebuke, there will only be an endless war or even beating, the way she knows to use it best whenever I manage to hit the bulleye of the whole issue and the side is no longer for her to defend herself with all those excuses anymore...

I don't hold grudges to bed and never to her. For I know that's her way of doing things, her way of living her life and to protect herself in all situations, regardless of whether she is in the right or wrong position. Maybe she needs to know about herself but there is no way to talk to her about it...so is that my fault for shutting up my mouth? How many times have I tried it through my life?

I am tired Lord. I am losing my patience each day. Sooner or later I will be driven mad by her...I can't handle it here all alone. How long more can I hold on to you before I am totally broken down and collapse?

If there is any fear in me, the greatest fear would be to grow to be like her more each day...