I need to stay strong...

I really wanted to share how much I had learnt and gained from Rev. A. R. Bernard in his 3-days conference meetings with us. He is truly a wise man in the Lord and give us much deeper insight beyond His word that we might have missed out as we read the bible. I agree with his book: Happiness is a way of mind, and a way of life. But then I have more important thing to tell before I get all emotional again...

My mum had just told me yesterday night about my uncle. My uncle had been a diabetes for many years and he suffered high blood pressure as well. Over the years, he had been relying on medications to help him to stay healthy all along. Recently, the doctor told him that he only left with 1 blood vein that is connected to his heart (normally most people would have 3 blood veins attached to their hearts) and hence he needed to go through a heart surgery. However, the medication in Hong Kong is in such a way that we have to pay a part of the surgery fee as deposit first before they can have operation on the patient. Without it, the surgery will have to be cancelled or delayed.

My uncle has been unemployed for some time and his savings is not enough for him to go for the surgery deposit. My family couldn't help him either as my dad's career is on the rocks too and we can only pray hard that my dad can keep his job till I gradutate and find my work to take over the bills and responsibilities of my family. My mum was really upset and worried about him as we are close to this uncle of mine. His surgery was postponed to October as we could not afford the bills now. If anything happen to my uncle before his surgery, that's it. Even if we have the money then it would be of no use...

Suddenly I feel really very stressed now. When something bad happens to you, they not just come on one event but they seem to come at the same time. I used to live in so much comfort that I start to lose the ability to survive on my own. Then suddenly everything changes. I have to learn to save up as I would not wish to ask my parents for much allowance for my father sake. I feel a bit useless at times as there is nothing I can do for my uncle except to keep praying for his health. You know how much I wish I can go and work now to earn as much as I can just to help out?? But yet I can't as I have the responsibilities to be a student and finish my studies well. And yet I am not performing well in school, not even dare to tell my parents how badly I have fared for my exams for the past few semesters. I feel so useless all of a sudden that I couldn't contribute at all to be of any help. To me, a huge burden has just come right on top of me that I have to work for my family, my uncle and maybe even my aunt in the future. (My mum take cares of my aunt and uncle as they are financially unstable too...and I am the only child to take care of my parents...) Oh gosh...I don't know if I can handle them...how much longer can I stay in this stage now and how much more do I have to take in...I am mentally and physically tired right now...

I am not grumbling about my responsibilities that I have. Indeed all along I know about all this but I never thought they would ever come so fast and so many at a time. School has just started for me and I thought there should be nothing to worry about except the grades that I need to strive for for my studies. Yet I have to struggle with the stress I am getting now. I am scare, I am afraid that I could not do anything for them. I am scare I will fail myself, and even to fail them. I never want to disappoint anyone in my life again, especially those who I love and care for...I hate to see them sad...I only wish that they will stay happy, even if it means I will have to make sacrifices for them...

Despite of all this I tell myself that God must have His purpose to put things in this way, or even maybe a time to test my faith and trust in Him. A.R. Bernard has also shared about the time when God spoke to the captives for his plan for them, that the plan that He has for them will bring hope and confidence in them. Poverty is certainly all in the mindset and you will need to have a prosper mind to excel in the things that you do. Yet, I still can't help but to worry about my uncle, worry about my dad's career from time to time. Is it my faith in Him has been shakened? I am worried about many things now that I wonder if I can handle them. I am stressed over the life that I may have to lead soon...

I pray to God for his guidance and mercy. I pray for his healing to my uncle. I pray for the financial prosperity in my family and my uncle's that the surgery can be carried out in time. I pray he will be fine for this period of time till he get his surgery. I pray my mum that she will not be too upset over it and that she will continue to stay strong and have faith in the Lord. I pray that my uncle will recover and continue to live his life as normal. I pray for my dad that his career will continue to be stable and that he will not have to worry too much over it. I pray for my dad's health over in China that he won't overworked himself and worried too much about us. I pray to God that my family members will remain as healthy and happy as ever in the house of God. I pray to you my Lord to take care of everyone of them...

Thank you to those who have shown me your care and concern. I appreciate lots and I thank God for having you guys around me to cheer me up and guiding me to know what I should do next. But if I don't smile at you, don't be mistaken for I juz can't cheer myself up now at times. But I will be strong with my friends around me. And most of all, I know I can rely on Him always for His strength and his wisdom to guide me through this difficult path of mine and to walk beside me as He always have been, and always will be...

"'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house', says the Lord Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the Lord Almighty." - Haggai 2:9